poof

9:28 PM

I'm bored of blogger so I've moved

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there is no end

8:11 PM

Honestly, this is all frustratingly overwhelming and crazy. But I'm being patient. I know its the only way things will work out. I don't want to be patient! But I know I need to be if I want things to be ok.

You know what. Everyone around me, EVERYONE is having drama. Freaking everyone. I just wonder if they go as crazy as me. This morning, my friend called me at 1am to talk about something. Everyday, someone's telling me something new. Some situation would change. Someone would be happy. Someone would be sad. Someone would be confused. I can hardly keep up.

And me. For once, I'm getting signs that are directed exactly to me. And no one else. But there's still a chance I could be wrong. But omg, I don't want to be wrong.

I'm so frustrated about everything that I can't eat probably. I'm sick. And I'm losing weight. I have no problem with the last one though. And I'm probably losing cos of all the exercising. I need clarity, certainty. Something concrete. The only thing I had that was solid has crumbled.

I'm scared above everything. I'm giving advice to the people around me, but at the same time I'm so screwed up. There are people that could probably help me, but I don't want to tell them in case I'm wrong. Cos if I start talking about it, asking for help, then it becomes a big deal. Then if I'm wrong, it'll be all awkward.

God, please help this hopeless soul.

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crash

8:56 PM

You know, its funny. I never thought this many things could happen in my first 4 months of JC. Its crazy. Everything is so fast. And to think, my biggest worry when I started was whether I would be able to make friends. That seems so trivial now.

Everything's so confusing. And everyday its changing. I don't know what to expect because I can't. And to a certain extent, a lotta things are messed up.

You know how my life's a cycle? Well I've broken out of it. Things are really different now. A lot more things to consider. A lot of crazy senarios that I never could've dreamt up. And its overwhelming! Argh.

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Step

9:14 PM

You know how its like, when your heart starts hurting and you aren't even thinking of anyone. When you feel sad and you don't know why. And you wish things were different. And then you hate yourself because you just typed something so cliched you could puke.

Constricted. That's what its like. My heart. Clenching, unclenching. Its hard to breathe and the only way it'll go away is if you cry and scream and push away everyone who tries to sympathise. I hate, pity in anyone's eyes. (Fake) soothing voices, they try to show they care-I don't want it-but I smile and nod anyway. I don't need words. Just warmth, someone to hold me. I hate words. Silence can fill a room, who needs noise?

Its still not right. Will it ever be? We always want what we can't have. But I've learned, some secrets must be kept. Its better if they never know. What have I become?

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Grow up

11:34 PM

Its a month since my last post. And you know what, I feel like I've grown up a little since then. I've reached a stage that things actually make sense. I know what I want. Ok so I haven't planned out the next 20 years of my life, but I know what I want now. And at 16 1/2 years old, I think that's an achievement. I may not know what I want to eat for lunch tomorrow, or where I want to go the next time I go out, but I do know, that I want to be right where I am now. I'm happy.

I've learned some things. One, trust God. He seriously has all the answers. And it isn't that he isn't answering. Its just that, no is an answer too. And if you haven't gotten anything yet, its probably because you haven't opened your mind to all the possible answers. Two, don't make a decision if you aren't 100% sure about it. If for a moment you doubt yourself, don't go along with it. Three, stop looking and you'll find. Very often, the answer's right in front of you.

You know, I think I've done enough shit by now to know how to balance myself a bit. Of course, I'm still researching. There's a lot I don't know. And a lot that I'm insanely curious about. I'm hardly mature, but I could say I've gained a little more brain these past few months.

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Bubbling in an inferno.

9:39 PM

I was right. 100% right. I really should know when not to doubt myself. Sigh. I guess the signs were all there but I ignored it. I WANTED to ignore it. I mean, I really didn't want anything to be different. Now it is, very different. It's a problem. I really want everything to be okay.

I'm scared. I am. I think after today, things might get better. But it makes no difference to the fact that things have changed. Its switched, in fact.

I'm struggling to tame my emotions. They keep jumping out at me when I'm not focusing on anything. I'd start thinking about it, then I'd get all depressed and all that shit. I hate it.

For once in my life, I'm actually trying to make a mature decision. I mean, I don't want all my problems before to be just problems. I want them to be lessons. So that maybe this time, I'd know better what to do. What's safe to do and what absolutely cannot happen.

I hate myself. I'm not exactly making the problem any simpler, but I can't. I'm not gonna hold out on this problem. I'm being completely honest to myself, I can't lie about this sortta thing.

So for now, I'm in a state of limbo. A state I often find comforting on the surface, but once anyone starts to dig in, the building crumbles. So this state is only absolutely, temporary.

What and need. Two completely different things.

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Single

8:33 PM

Singlehood. The most uncomplicated state of being. I'm enjoying it.

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Something?

9:40 PM

Do you recall a mini crisis I mentioned? Haha. ITS OVER. yay. Its settled. Well, it was a guy related crisis, but it was really nothing. Since now I don't like anyone! It feels great I guess. Like free of that kind of emotion. Its so draining.

BUT, my troubles aren't over I guess. There might be something brewing. I don't think there's much to worry about just yet, but who's to say it won't develop into a thing to be worried about later? So I'm just keeping an eye on it for now. I want to be in control of things, prevention rather than damage control. I realised that for some things, that's the way to go. So I'm just, being aware.

Today was another aimless friday! I love fridays. After school I followed Sze Hao to SAJC to collect his sister's recommendation letter then went to hang with him and his friends for a while. Then he followed me to my house to get the face paint, then we went back to school and I passed it to Daniel then we went to town and ended up watching How To Train Your Dragon then we had dinner. HAHA. Thats my whole day summarized. Walked so much. We walked right through the SA village. lol.

I've been high the whole week and now I'm really exhausted. Being high is tiring.

OKKK. So more updates if there's anything I needa worry about.

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Its a new world

10:22 PM

March hols my ass. Lol one week is wayyyy too short. Haha class BBQ on thursday was the bomb man. Food was great, the company? Even better. I've been out every single day. haha.

Campfire at crescent yesterdayy. Haha the sec 1s are getting smaller man, they're so tiny. I saw mdm Lim, and she saw me. I think she still hates me, oh well. I'd be a useless CI anyway. All my long days coincide with NP days and I even have judo on saturday. And if I WAS trying to be a useful CI, I've never get any hw done and flunk out on everything. So it was a good decision. I don't think I can handle that much. I struggle to handle myself.

On that note, I'm still being sociable in judo. Haha. I know more of the guys now. Although the ones that I know are the pros, so I hardly see them. Or train with them for that matter. But its ok. haha. Judo's getting funner. haha. We learnt rolling break fall from standing today. haha I can do left but my right is real hopeless. Its funnn. But my shoulder hurts. haha. Groundwork is funny. haha holding each other down gets pretty crazy, especially when we start laughing. Caris is realllyyyy strong. She flipped me over. Lol.

You know what I'm really scared of? Being alone and never finding anyone. Love, I live for it. Life is so crappy that if there isn't love, what's there to live for? Thats what I feel anyway. But of course, 'living' is a matter of perspective. Some people's idea of living is getting rich, or building up their careers, or climbing the social ladder. My idea of living is a life of love, fun and hardship. After all, without hardship, how does one appreciate love and happiness? I suppose I am very very insecure. This fact of course, goes unnoticed. I'd rather it be recognized, otherwise, people will constantly get the wrong impression of me. My history of being an NPCC staff sergeant doesn't exactly help either. Neither does my present CCA. They all think I'm tough or something. Please, I'm more a girl than anything else. I'm waiting for a fairytale to come true for me. And I actually believe it will, given it will probably be unconventional, but it will be my fairytale and it will end with a happily ever after.

I'm done ranting. I'm tired.

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Judo judo

11:24 PM

I'm in JUDO. HAHA. Funny shit. I had the orientation camp yesterday and it was crazyyy. Because CJ trains with SJI, I'm in a seriously male-dominated CCA. Yesterday, there were like 50 guys and 6 girls. That could get quite traumatizing. Especially when playing games. They jump all over un-inhibited. Cos the dojo is all matted. No hard floor. Its scary. Especially the Dog&Bone. Lol. But it was fun.

Think think think.

According to my sis. I attract the wrong sort of guys. She says I do too much tomboyish things. NPCC, Judo, etc. So guys don't really see that I'm a girl at heart. So I end up with...okay nevermind. Too sensitive.

HAHA. I'm having a mini-crisis. I'M OVERWHELMED.

I'm feeling extremely friendly today. That could be good, or bad. Haha and I have Judo tomorrow.

Can't believe I'm in a male-dominated CCA. And to think I first auditioned for Dance. This is really crazy.

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dead tired

8:37 PM

I'm exhausted. Beginning to feel the pinch of JC a little. The long long long dayssss...sigh. Normal lessons from 8am-5pm is definitely new. And I don't even have a CCA yet! Had x-country today. Lol. I walked the whole way! The teachers didn't even make us run. Lol. Anyway, I'm still tired. And I got 2 hours of chinese tomorrow ): I'm dead. And worse still, its from 3pm-5pm. The sleepiest time of the day. sigh

I could fall asleep right now.

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Nuts

10:21 AM

I slept at 2.30am this morning. And I woke up at 8.30am, this morning. There's something wrong with me man. Its saturday, and I woke up early. Sigh, i just woke up then I couldn't go back to sleep. Wish it was that easy on school mornings. Anyway, CJ needs a new sound system! Serious, gonna ask my dad if he can do it. He does awesome sound systems.

Gonna support the campcraft team later. Hope they do great! Got a rep to protect.

My heart hurts. I hate it when that happens.

I'm gonna do homework.

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Trouble trouble

3:21 PM

I'm back from Rockafella. Lol. I got in trouble. For coming back late. Cos I went to eat with Sze Hao and Joshua after Rockafella. Oh well, things happen. But I realised an effective way to lessen trouble that you get in. Apologise alot, admit you were wrong. Tell your parents you weren't thinking, and that it won't happen again. Of course this method has limitations. Like, for me, I hardly break curfew so I can use the argument that I don't do it all the time and this is one time that I wasn't thinking. And its true so my parents can't say anything. And if you say that you won't do it again then don't! At least not the exact same situation. But if it does happen again, then make sure it's at least a year later.

Oh well, I'd better be a good girl. LOL. I wanna try and get a curfew extension.

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reflections

5:28 PM

I think that the things that have happened to me so far this year is a clear sign that this year isn't going to be an easy one for me. I've only been in school for three weeks and already, the failures, are kinda piling up. First, Rockfella auditions: failed. Dance trials: failed. Now, volleyball trials: failed. Even my wanting to do a blood donation! Failed! and why, because I had a fever 2 weeks ago. What the shit. And I think I'm having a relapse. I'm sick again. No fever, but a cough. Like gimme a break man! Sick twice in 3 weeks!

Don't get me wrong, I love school. It's ironic then, that I've only had shortcomings. It's going to be a challenging year. Still, who's life doesn't need shaking up once in while? and besides, I think MY life's been far too peaceful.

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TGIF?

9:02 PM

TGIF! Haha. Not really actually, I'm quite enjoying school even though today was like one of the most boringest days ever. 2 hours of GP, 1 hour of PE, 1 hour break, 1 hour Chinese. And that's it. Lol. Mass PE was like PT but not as bad. I guess I've had worse. The subsequent mass PEs will be worse though. We didn't sweat much, but haha, the guys were totally dripping.

I watched Valentine's Day today! Haha, cos at break we were saying how we ended super early and some of us don't have CCA yet so we were like, eh lets go to Orchard. So in the end, Me, Zheng Fang, Eunice, Sze hao and Ben went. Haha. And we ended up watching Valentine's Day, except for Eunice, she had to go home. But yeah, lol, the cinema was super cramped. We watched at Shaw and it was really squeezy. Haha.

Sigh, got Binomial and Econs tests next week. I'm dead. Lol, especially for Binomial.

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SCHOOOOOL

6:43 PM

I have been MIA for 2 weeks! Lol, just had so much to do and finish and whatever. Sigh, I've faced some serious failures this year and February isn't even over yet! First no rockefella, now no dance. I'm fed up you know. This is the exact reason why I stopped expecting things, the disappointment isn't worth it. Now I've got practically a full body muscle ache and I've got PE, mass PE tomorrow. I'm dead. I can't even walk properly, let alone run!

You know what I realised, school is really tiring. As stupid as that sounds, yes. Today I had 4 hours of break in total. Talk about waste of time. And I ended at 5! And even with ALLL that break, I'm still really tired.

But I'm loving school, My class is really my kind of class. Kinda naughty, playful, gets in trouble sometimes. But we're not stupid. Haha. The guys are plain nuts, so much nonsense. But their nonsense often livens up lessons which is great cos then the chances of me falling asleep are less.

I'm broke. Lol. I think I'm paying too much for notes. Haha. Ok, I'm out.

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Lessons

11:24 AM

I realised the timing for my posts are screwed up. You're probably wondering why I got rid of the last skin, well something happened to it. The pictures couldn't be viewed or something. Anyway, Had my first day of lessons yesterday. Haha it isn't so bad. GP's gonna be real difficult but interesting! I think its pretty cool. I'm kinda excited to start ELL though, that'll be real different. Ok I gotta type real fast, My sis is on an internet ban, so I can't use it either. Sigh. Well we were assigned homework for math. Haha I finished it already! Except for a tiny bit that I got stuck. Oh well. haha. I still haven't figured out how to wear my uniform right. But I will I guess. haha. But not without trying for at least an hour on sunday night. HAHA. Ok. I'm off. More tomorrow.

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Finale

10:09 PM

Not gonna blog much. Too tired, and currently pissed off with my uniform. Finale was today, marking the end of my JC orientation. And I gotta say it was The best. The best ending ever. Super hyper and crazy and just over the top. I screamed like crazy. And Oya's the best man.

Anyway, my uniform's pissing me off. it looks damn bad on me. Just looks real bad and I can't stand it. Its bugging me like mad. And I'm angry. I'm gonna sleep.

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Telematch madness

8:52 PM

We had a telematch at SJII field today. Haha it was really fun! Kinda gross but fun! I was rolling in wet grass and being dragged in it as well. Had my hair shampooed, and the shampoo dried in my hair! It was all part of the telematch. I had a shower when I went back to CJ though, thank god! Haha no soap but the water was good enough to stop me from stinking. And once I stopped stinking and came out of the shower, I really smelled how bad everyone else smelled! The bathroom stank really really bad. Lol. Imagine that's what random people along the street were smelling as we walked back. A mixture of flour, shampoo, grass, soil and sweat. HAHA. Still it was real fun.

I have finally reached the time when I have to face my CCA dilemma. Sigh. Gotta choose by friday. And you know what, I dunno what to join. I like dance but its so intimidating! Everyone's so skinny and I'm really not. I mean I'm not fat but I'm not skinny either. Argh. I really don't know what to join. AND I'm too tired to make decisions now.

I've made proper friends in my class. Haha. Which I'm real happy about. I thrive of friends. I'm no loner. I'd die if I didn't have friends.

I'm brown! Which isn't a bad thing. As long as I don't burn. Since peeling skin is real ugly, especially on the face. And my nose always burns first. OH. I got my uniform. I changed my blouse to a size smaller. And it still looks big. My skirt too! I think my skirt's too big. looks strange man.

I think I'll sleep soon. I'm in this zombie state. Ha.

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Sunburned

7:38 PM

I guess I shouldn't have been so quick to judge. And I suppose I knew I'd end up saying this anyway, but my class isn't that bad. I guess yesterday being first day and all everyone's just real shaken up from the sudden change from OG to class. It was loads better today. I had fun (:

Mass dance is super awesome. Its a mash up of Single ladies, grease lightning, straight through my heart, bad romance, thriller and a some bollywood song. Talk about variety! Haha the dance is great! Super cute and really fun.

We went dragon boating today and I'm sunburned. Sigh, should have known I would be. And it won't be any better tomorrow! Haha. But it was fun. The land games are rubbish! I mean that in a semi-good way. Its fun but I think they're seriously determined to get all of us nuns and priests out of our ten-year isolation from the opposite sex. Since most of us are in that situation. Sigh.

I'm in OYA! Orange house. Lol. We have 6 houses. How weird is that. Yellow is Paele, Green is Takawari, Red is Koujin, Purple is Mahuika and Blue is Vulcan, HAHA. I spelled everything wrong except Oya and Vulcan. I seriously don't know how to spell the rest.

I hope I get to collect my uniform tomorrow. Sigh. I decided not to buy school shoes since I have a pair of white canvas left from NP days. And its pretty new. I'll wear it until it erm breaks. which it will, I know from experience. Then I'll buy another pair of something else. I guess.

I'm in JC! :O Scary shit. I realised I like CJ in the late afternoon, when not many people are around. Like after school today, me and Geraldine and Ivan sat at the top of the grandstand cos we were waiting for Andrea and Justin and it was nice and cool. Peaceful feeling. Elizabeth once told me she did homework on the grandstand, I can understand why now. I like it.

Ok, more tomorrow (:

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VICTORIA Hannah Kirsten
051093
Judo
Catholic Junior College

Insecure to the point of insanity. That's me. Plays guitar and piano. Is absolutely catholic. Loves Tokio Hotel. Would like to learn Na'vi. Shops too much. And overdoses on daydreaming. Find me on: facebook

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